I’m looking at the woman in the mirror….

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I’ve been doing that a lot lately.  Standing in front of the mirror….yup buck naked!  I hardly recognize the person looking back at me.  Oh she is still there; still smiling through that silly toothless grin, but she has changed too.  Forever changed….

 My body is so different from what it once was…..let me tell you a little about the tram flap surgery that replaced my breasts.  Once my breasts were removed by my breast surgeon, the plastic surgeon steps in.    She took skin and fat tissue from my abdomen, and so as not to loose its blood supply, she then ‘tunnels’ up and under my midsection to my breast area.   At that point, she attaches these new ‘breasts’ to my chest wall.  I was fortunate enough to have a skin sparing mastectomy.  Most of what was ‘moved up’ is under that remaining skin.  There is only a small circle (where my nipple used to be) that shows the skin from my abdomen.   Once that is in place, my plastic surgeon then has to stretch the remaining abdominal skin back together.  I have an incision on my lower abdomen that goes from hip to hip.  Oh, and let’s not forget about my belly button.  They cut the skin around the belly button so it stays in place, but when the remaining skin is stretched down a new opening has to be cut for the belly button.  My surgeon did a fantastic job….placing teeny, tiny little stitches all way round my belly button and its new ‘window’ from which it peeks through.    I’ve given you a rather simplistic view, but make no mistake….this is a long, and complicated surgery.  One of the main drawbacks of this surgery is the loss of some of your core muscle in the center of your abdomen.  There is also no  guarantee that the new breasts will adhere….sometimes the blood supply isn’t enough and they fail.

 I’m 4 weeks out and well, the new girls are healing.  They still look like ‘frankenboobies’ to me….in fact my whole mid section looks like Dr Frankenstein’s playground.  But I know as I continue to heal, the scars and the bruising will fade.  The skin across my abdomen feels very tight and a bit uncomfortable, but that too should improve with time.    I do ‘notice’ the loss of some core strength, but nothing like what I thought it might be.  I may never do full sit ups again, but let’s face it….sit ups are not a high priority in my life….LOL!

 Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision.  I could have gone with implants  or nothing at all.  It certainly would have been a less complicated surgery…..less pain and quicker recovery.  BUT….the thought of waking up without my ‘girls’ was just too much for me.  I felt that having them replaced with my own tissue would be less traumatic and give me a more natural feeling.  I know there is a ‘movement’ out there for women to ‘go flat’ .  I just knew that was not for me, but I truly applaud those that do.  That has to take so much courage.  In the end, you have to do what feels right for you.  I listened to that little voice in my head….she has only steered me wrong a few times and that usually involved tequila….LOL!

 Right now, right here I’m ok….the frankenboobies are growing on me….ha, ha ‘literally’ and having a flat tummy after all these years is kinda cool too!  There is still a lot of pain and discomfort and that sometimes is frustrating, but  I feel ‘whole’.  I still feel like me.  Cancer takes it tole  in so many ways.  I’ve been blessed to find the right surgeons who were able to give me back some of what cancer took.  The journey is far from over,  the battle has just begun.  The woman in the mirror….forever changed…..YES.  But I’m still in there…it’s still me. 

 For I am who I am and it will be what it will be.

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